I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off!

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you!"

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? He made a mint!

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know 'y'!

I used to have a job at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I took a couple of days off.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi!

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!

Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn't peeling well.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.

Why don't eggs tell jokes? They might crack up!

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!

I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know which comes first!

What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta!

I burned my Hawaiian pizza last night. I guess I should've put it on aloha setting!

What do you call a fish wearing a crown? King Neptune.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea!

Why don't oysters donate to charity? Because they are shellfish!

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one!

Why don't basketball players go on vacation? They would get called for traveling!

How does a soccer player stay cool? They stand near the fans!

Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired!

What did the football coach say to the vending machine? "Give me my quarterback!"

Why do tennis players never get married? Love means nothing to them!

What's a baseball player's favorite type of music? Swing!

Why was the math book sad after the baseball game? It realized it had too many problems!

What do you call a fish that plays basketball? A slam-dunk!

How does a hockey player get to work? By skating!

Why don't programmers like nature? It has too many bugs.

Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!

How does a computer get drunk? It takes screenshots.

Why did the smartphone go to school? To become a smartie!

Why couldn't the computer take its hat off? Because it had a CAPS LOCK on!

Why did the programmer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays.

Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.

Why did the computer go to art school? To become a graphic designer!

How do you fix a broken website? With a sticky web developer!

Why don't skeletons go on vacations? They don't have the guts!

I went on a vacation to an island, but it was terrible. There was nothing to do but sit around and be board!

Why did the computer go on a beach vacation? It needed some byte and sand!

Why don't mountains ever go on vacations? They always peak too soon!

I took a vacation to the ocean and brought my pet turtle. It was a shell of a good time!

Why did the sun go on vacation? It needed to recharge its solar batteries!

Why don't oysters take vacations? Because they're afraid of shell shock!

Why do cows love going on vacations? They get to moo-ve to new pastures!